I have a theory that every emotion imaginable can be summed up simply under the title family.We love them, we hate them, we occasionally want to do violent harm to them with blunt objects, but for better or for worse, we are stuck with them for the rest of our lives, barring their untimely, or depending on your point of view, timely, death.

I love my family, sometimes I wonder why I do but I do love all of them.

Recently I have gone to live with my parents again while I am on summer break and as you can imagine it was quite a change. After having spent nearly a year living on your own, it is rather hard to adapt to someone elses rules, but over all the adjustment seemed to be worth it considering that I got to be with my mom again, got to taste her food again, which I kid you not is some of the best food I have ever had; but there is are always some drawbacks which chiefly consists of my Dad.

I made the point ahead that I do love all the members of my family specifically so that I could qualify what I am about to say in context to what I feel about my dad; I do love my dad, even when I sometimes don’t know why. Truth be told there are many reasons why I shouldn’t love him but I could never bring myself to become indifferent.

He pisses me off; he is homophobic, he has openly called me insane for being gay, he has over the years found numerous ways to bring me down for what often seems like childish pettiness; but no matter what he did, no matter what I told myself, I always forgave him.

My mom made an interesting point about my dad recently, she said that I was never what my dad wanted me to be and that similarly he was never what I wanted; we were both living in a constant state of being disappointed with one another but we love each other none the less.

He will probably never love me in the accepting way that I want him to, and eventually when I come out to him, he will probably cut off ties for a while but neither of us will stop caring.

To him I will be the irresponsible child who could never be what he wanted me to be

And to me He will always be emotionally unavailable and never close enough to me to be the father that I needed him to be

but we all learn to live with our disappointments and when those disappointments are family then we often times learn to love them.

So guys I’m not really sure what I wanted to  say yo you guys. I think mostly I just wanted you to know that life doesn’t always have to be the way you picture it to be the way it should be. We can live in mutual disappointment and still love each other. We may not have the perfect relationship but he is still there in my life and for that I am grateful.


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