Hello people of the world. Yes I am posting something again so soon after the last one (shock) anyway I wanted to follow up on the poem I wrote but this won’t go into the incident completely ( sorry for not dishing on the details), I’m not ready to go into all that again. So to put into context the title of this post I would like to say that for the most part I smile.
You’re probably more confused than before which is exactly what I had in mind so great.
Okay moving on the more sane portion, I wanted to discuss something that has been happening to me lately. I have found that I have been experiencing severe mood swings. This is probably not new to most of you angsty teens out there but it feels new to me because now there is no one to help me through it.
I find myself having bouts of anger and depression spells again and again and for longer periods than before. Today someone said something unkind to me and that bothered me but I thought I was fine till much later. Maybe ten minutes ago I was just reading, when the words that the person said popped into my head again and I almost burst into tears.
Yesterday I had a long drawn out crying spree over the incident with my friends and before that I almost decapitated several taxi guys because they tried to con me.
I am an emotional person so you might think this is natural but my emotions have never been erratic, but these days I can go from having a great time to wanting to trow punches at each passing individual.
I think I’m lonely. I can still talk to my mom, but only for ten minutes on the phone while my dad is listening in so I can’t tell her much anyway, I can talk to my friends but they have their own problems and they aren’t always there. Until now they were at least always reachable but after the fight I feel oddly scared.
I don’t know what to do with myself to be perfectly honest. When I was alone earlier I didn’t have anyone to want except my mom; now I miss her and my friends.
This is starting to feel like a repeat of the high school years. Yes the education is better and I am doing something I love but the feeling of being alone is coming back in full force. I think what has changed the most is my ability to fake. Now I can smile and laugh through all the conversations that I used to stay out of ;I don’t know if I’m happy about that or not.
I wish more than anything that my friends had come to the same college with me because when I was with them I felt like I could do anything.
My mom tells me that the separation will make me stronger but I really don’t want to be strong anymore. What’s wrong with having your friends, what’s wrong with having a little support in your life. I just don’t want to feel alone anymore…..
I’m sorry I did that. Writing is now the way that I express myself so this is the result. I always try to be myself and I am a little clingy and dependent on people that I care about so maybe I should be stronger, but all I can think about is how much I liked who I was when I was with them; how they made me a better person. I wouldn’t be who I am if I was completely self sufficient.
I’m not sure what to do so I won’t even try to give you some informative lesson through this. I’m just going to sleep and try to be be