Hello people of the world. I’m back………again. Some of you might be wondering where the heck I was over the past I don’t know how many days, and I have many good reasons for that, but I think the most pertinent reason is that I am having an identity crisis. At this point you guys are probably thinking “OMG a college student with identity issues I’ve never seen one of those before” because I have just become the thing I hate the most. I am now a cut up collage of some of the worst stereotypes.
I’ve been trying to sort things out the past few….weeks? so that is the major reason that I haven’t been writing. Aside from this I have also been hideously ill and my internet ran out so that didn’t help either.
The last post I wrote before going on my hiatus, was one about how I was unsure about myself and who I am and oddly enough the time since has only made it worse. There has been so much going on over the last few days/weeks that I am completely out of control of myself.
I can’t go over everything that has been happening so I’ll give you a short rundown.
I started college. The classes are interesting and challenging and make me want to do more.
I dislike almost everyone here. They are terribly fake and make me want to punch them all the time, even the ones that are my “friends“. On the pros side, I find that I am able to deal with the douches much better than ever before so that’s a relief.
The daily routine is tiring as fuck and I feel exhausted and I hate having to discipline myself but at least it’s good training.
I meet another guy….he is hot and nice and painfully straight……he might also be a bit stupid or rather obtuse I’m not sure about that yet. The whole series of incidents with the guy makes me feel so hormonal and is messing with my head so much that I feel every inch the teenager that I am. I had really hoped that I was passed the drooling after straight guys phase. I can ignore straight guys as long as I don’t think about them as available, but once you open the doors and think that maybe its possible, the thoughts come in your head way to hard to ignore.
I miss my friends. They gave me a support system the likes of which I have never had and this has made me much stronger and able to deal with the fuckers over here but sometimes I just wish they were here so I could talk to them face to face.
I keep doubting myself and wondering if the person I am is any good. I told you guys how I liked the new me and how the new me was stronger but the old me was better than me. He had troubles but he was so completely selfless. I want to be that person again, not change back to a shut in but make myself care about things more.
And finally I missed you guys. On my whole self-doubt thing, I started wondering if it was worth it to keep the blog. If you can remember that far back, the reason I started the blog in the first place was to help people to accept themselves by telling them about me, but now I’m wondering if I’m doing that at all. Most of my posts sound as if I just whining about my life which isn’t bad at all. Is it worth it to keep the blog if all I’m doing is talking about my personal problems…….
I am so completely lost right now and I so desperately need to find a center so that everything will stop spinning.
I’m not going to stop blogging now because the last time I thought about it I almost had a panic attack, but I need to get back to what this blog was meant for, I need to do something that isn’t just for me or I feel that I’m not doing enough.
I needed to make this post before I started making regular posts again just to clear the air. I hope you aren’t mad at me for disappearing. So many of you have been blogging daily and I have a hell of a back log but I’ll try to get to them all.
That’s all there is for today, I’ll try to make a more concrete post tomorrow. In the meantime I hope you understood something from this and I hope that it means something to you.