Hello people of the world (I have decided to stick with just hello because making a new greeting everyday is too much work). Anyway I read something interesting today in another blog and it prompted me to write today. First before I get to the topic I want to get something off my chest. I don’t know if you guys remember, but a while back I wrote a post about my first (and second) time and how I decided to wait awhile before having sex again……right, that didn’t work out.

In my defence it had been sometime, a few months after the post before I hooked up with another guy ( more than a few times). This time it was better,not satisfying but not painful either. Anyway I was reading a post about a girl blogger I haven’t decided if I’m going to use her ID here, I might ask her if she doesn’t mind being mentioned here (I asked her and she said yes so this is her Ms AttemptingReality). Anyway, said blogger was talking about being a romantic and wanting a family and kids, and the thought occurred to me that she sounded a lot like me. As I continued reading, a line came up in which she said that she couldn’t see herself hooking up with people left and right which is where I had to stop for a bit.

I don’t know too much about this girl but somehow she sounds exactly like me two years ago. For me love was finding the right guy doing something creative with my life but never ever sleeping around. When I read that line in her post I suddenly felt sad. I feel like I’m not doing justice to the me of yesterday. I’m still idealistic, I still believe in love but those ideals are slowly slipping away.

I won’t say that I’m sleeping with people left and right but, it’s not for lack of trying. I still believe in love but I also grew to understand that I probably wouldn’t find the right person for me right now. I’m just a teenager, what are the odds that I’m going to find Mr right, right this instant. When that realization dawned on me I started relaxing my ideals a bit. I might not find Mr right for a long time, in the meantime I’m not going to be completely celibate and wait for him.

I appreciate the new me for the most part. He is more daring more assertive and realistic. He has realized that love and sex are two separate things and that you don’t need to be in love to have sex; but at the same time I mourn the loss of the me of yesteryear. He was so sweet and innocent and I feel like I lost him somewhere along the way.

Sometimes sacrifices need to be made to survive and before I changed I wasn’t doing well (I was miserable). Now I miss the old me but not enough to go back to what I was.

SO in conclusion, I had sex…..I’m probably going to continue to have sex…I don’t think less of myself in fact I think the new me is much stronger, only less innocent.

Mr Right if you’re out there I’m sick of waiting for you to fucking save me, I can do it myself. If you want to come along you’re welcome but I’m done waiting. In the meantime Taylor Swift songs won’t sound the same anymore.


Another thank you to AttemptingReality it was gracious of her to allow her to let me use her as inspiration. I should ask for permission more often.


I’m sorry Mr P and Mr D (if you read this) . I know it sounds kinda crass but I told you I’m freaky


My internet connection is almost dead. If it finishes I might not be able to post for a while.

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3 responses to “Confessional

  1. Here is a thought – maybe there is a guy who is perfect for you – but you aren’t ready for him yet. Maybe it’s not leaving ideals and innocence behind – but rather growing into your own.

    When you look at it that way – you shouldn’t stand still on an ideal. Instead sample all that life has to offer – both the good and the bad.

    This happened in my life. I had just come out and i met this guy – I knew right away he was the one for me. I was soooooo new to everything gay and even dating in general. He said no to dating but we became best friends.
    Over the next 4.5 years we both dated/slept with other guys /broke up with other guys/ got broken up with / swore we would never date again / etc.
    After all that experience and growth he asked me to go out – I said yes – and we’ve been together ever since. This october we will have been married for 10 years.

    It’s a great life! But it wouldn’t have worked at all when we first met.

    • That was so much more than I expected..thank you for that. I needed some positive reinforcement this week and this helped. I guess I was just afraid that I would grow up and lose all the things I loved about myself.

      I always thought everything would be better or rather only complete when I met the right person, it just took some time for me to realize that there is a lot more to life.

      I love the new person I am I just miss the other guy sometimes and sometimes I worry that the person I want won’t be there because I have changed but you’re right about that, I’m just not ready yet. Also how the hell did you get anything from this post, it’s jumbled like crazy

      On another note congrats on being with your partner for 10 years and happy anniversary in advance 😀 . I hope that you guys celebrate it with the style it deserves and that you are together for many more years to come.

      • Thank you!! We are going to Walt Disney World for a week : ) That’s where we had our honey moon and we go back there every 5 years. It really is a magical place : )

        All the best to you! I’m glad my rambling helped a bit. : )

        In other news – I have a model shoot today – so I’ve got lots of nervous energy. Trying to remember everything I want to try – looking a ton of pictures for inspiration – it’s always nerve wracking!

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