Hallo people of the world. I don’t know how may of you went to WordPress yesterday and went “Hey that guy on that blog who posts things that he thinks about every weekday didn’t write something today” but yeah I am alive and I want to officially state that I missed my goal and I didn’t make a post yesterday. To some of you that may not mean a lot but I really do take blogging seriously and I am very committed to this, which is why I spent the whole day balled into a corner feeling bad about myself. This may not be the most positive post but I feel sometimes talking not dwelling about things that have gone wrong is a positive step.
Yesterday was the second day since school was officially over for me. Needless to say that the thrill of being free was still going. I had my day all planned out, in the morning I had a trip with my cousins to see a mosque that I had never been to. It was beautiful and the chandelier in particular was breathtaking Later in the day my friends and I were invited to a party where we laughed had a reminisced about old times and just had fun, and then came the ride home. The party ended at about 10 and then as my dad was in the neighbourhood for some errands I asked him to pick me up. He found his way there eventually and we were on our way home when the fight started.
Remember in my last post I talked about the real life dementors, well my dad is one, He cannot stand to see someone overly happy or overly carefree. The second I got in the car he started making subtle jibes by asking me things like “So you had fun today did you, You REALLY had a holiday right”, So me being that sassy (not) person that I am responded by saying “Dad if you have something for me to do then I’ll do it but otherwise for a few days I am going to be having fun”. My dad being the person that he is immediately starts making a list of things that I should do. Don’t get me wrong I should have done them and I would have gotten to them if I had even spent 10 minutes in the house but that was pointless to explain. So after hearing this I was a bit deflated but I was determined to stay in a good mood so I said ok and then looked out the window. Looking out the window is my go to thing so that he doesn’t see my expressions but this time it didn’t work. Once he had finished his list of things he was silent of a minute and then he shouted at me at top volume.
This in particular is a Dad specialty, he will go from completely silent to raging maniac with no provocation in seconds. So my dad kept shouting at me and something inside me snapped. I don’t know what it was but it triggered a really primal fight or flight reflex. I was besieged with two thoughts at the same time. One hit dad in the face to stop him from talking, Two open the car door and walk out.
Let me clarify the second thought. The car was running at about a hundred kilometers an hour so stepping out would most certainly result in me being very messy road kill. I am not a suicidal person so having that thought really threw me but all I could think about was getting him to stop. Maybe it’s because I was happy. No matter how much I do wear my heart on my sleeve I do still have barriers cultivated from years of bullying. Maybe in the wake of all the happiness I was weak and my armor came down because his comments cut me to the core. Why would he want to hurt me. Why wouldn’t he let me be happy for a minute.
Well the long and short of it all is that instead of walking out or punching him I opted for a healthier alternative which was punching the dashboard and yelling at him ” WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE HAPPY”. I may have lost my mind for a second there. As you can guess it went about as well as you think it would go, my dad also lost his temper and started yelling at me. It’s funny because I know better than to play into his hands. My dad lives off fighting, he needs it and the surest way to get back at him is to not be affected by him. I couldn’t help myself for a moment but after that I got my bearings back and stopped shouting. Once my dad was finished with his tirade I simply agreed in the most robotic voice and stopped talking entirely, not when he kept insulting me, not when he tried to take my mind off things by talking about something else. I just froze.
I haven’t looked at him since then or even spoken to him. It’s not that I am really even upset with him anymore, I just don’t want to start talking because I know where it will eventually lead. Last night I was so sad and tired and I needed someone to talk to and when I saw my mom I immediately knew that she had a long day and that she too was not entirely happy about me being out all day and I couldn’t find the energy to have another conversation, so I said Hi, went to my bedroom, shut the door and collapsed in my bed. I thought I would just rest for a minute but ten hours later I woke up to find my parents gone.
I felt like I had the worst hangover in history and feeling emotionally drained, not to mention the gnawing guilt of not having finished my post. So in conclusion I was very sad today. This is not breaking news this is not something that will improve your life it is the tale of how life can really suck sometimes and sometimes you have no one to talk to. In this case what do you do. You suck it up, be brave and MOVE ON. People will only feel sorry for you for so long before it starts to become pathetic.
If life sucks take measures to make it better not dwell about how much it sucked. As I write this down I pledge to myself that I won’t let this get me down anymore. As these words are written and sent out into the world I send my anger with them too. I don’t know if I will start speaking to my dad tomorrow but I will stop being mad at him because he very much like I d0 has issues that make him act this way.
To quote a book that really pisses me off on a day to day bases “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”.
Take Care Of Yourselves
Marching To Drums
P.S Another go to substitute when facing real life dementors, Chocolate. Seriously it does work