Sup dude’s and dudettes (I’m going for surfer dude now). If you have been reading my past posts you may have figured out that I have anger management issues, and if you haven’t you’re going to find out now. For most of my life I’ve been an outcast for many reasons (funnily enough never for being gay) so over the years a lot of anger has built up.
When I was in India since my Hindi was sub par and they didn’t know enough English to understand when I did talk back. In other countries although they knew English people always seemed to flock to the person who would copy any smart comment you make in a high-pitched girly voice effectively making it pointless to say anything.
When I realized that words really didn’t seem to be helping I started using force. For better or for worse I’ve got my dad’s side of the gene pool as far as it comes to body type, so it wasn’t that much of a stretch for me to turn into the quite yet violent type. I would stay up in my own world trying not to think about what I had done in a past life to deserve this and every now and then someone would come up to me trying to get me pissed off so I would fight with them or telling me that someone else was bad mouthing me.
As much as it pained me to talk in monosyllabic sentences and hit people even though I knew they wanted me to do it for their sick voyeuristic pleasure I still went along with it because it was better than just taking it. In my defense I never hit (with the intention to cause pain) anyone who didn’t taunt me first.
I know a lot of you are thinking that there are other ways of reacting other than violence and that the kind of bullying I suffered is not as bad as many other children suffer, but what they couldn’t do to me physically they made up with in mental torture. I was the new toy wherever I went and so for the whole time that I lived in a place I would be the center of everybody’s jokes.
It got to a point in India where I used to get stabbing stomach pains everyday to which I had to take painkillers even though no one knew what was causing them. We later found out they were stress induced.
Another thing that I didn’t realize was that my anger was seeping into my life in ways that I didn’t even understand. I would hit people anyone close to me without even realizing that I was doing it. I didn’t know my own strength so if some day I was feeling particularly upset I would just automatically start punching people. The few people who I hung out with made sure to remain out of arms length of me just in case I got pissed off.
I’m sorry of you guys think that I’m a bully. I don’t think I was and although I hit people I never did it to really hurt them and if anyone was really trying to hurt someone I would stop them. I know it’s not an excuse but the only justification that I have been that I wasn’t even aware the I was doing it. In fact I only found out that I used to do this recently when I was thinking back about India and I realized that I hadn’t hit anyone in months which made me wonder why that was.
I realized that for the first time since I joined school that I wasn’t angry all the time. There was no resentment or fear of going to school. I had good teachers great friends and over all I just felt happy. Then I understood the reality of why I used to do those things. I am really great full for the good fortune of having been moved here because it has changed my life in so many ways (most of them good) and I would just like to thank all my friends and Mr S although he will probably never read this blog because you guys have made my life better and there is nothing that I could do to repay that (Mr p don’t get any ideas).